Black women’s relationship with sex

“Lets talk about sex baby….”

Being the only girl, and raised by  christian parents, saying my relationship with sex is complicated would be an understatement. Everything I learnt about the subject was from friends, television, books, and of course my friend google. I remember when I was 13 and I had my first period, the first things my mom said to me is that I must stay away from boys basically if I don’t stay away from them, I will have a baby. You can imagine how scared I was, so instead of  embracing puberty I was traumatised by it, if anything it was a burden. Let me backtrack a bit, my mom was the first born and she conceived me when she was 18. Even though my dad married her, I don’t think she ever forgave herself for having a child out of wedlock and as a teenager. So, she didn’t want me to make the same “mistakes” so she painted a very scary picture about sex in her attempts to protect me. Growing up in the church didn’t help either, the only time they spoke about sex, it was called anything but sex lol. And to make matters worse the only verse that seemed to exist concerning the subject was “Sex before marriage is a sin”. Granted they had good reasons for that because this is the only sin that you can have physical evidence of your sin and you can suffer later because of spiritual ties. But I believe there is much more that they could have taught about sex besides abstinence. What that did is it demonise a very beautiful thing.

When you start going to marital counselling you hope to hear more but even then, they just discuss ” thou shall  not deprive your husband except if you are fasting and have agreed not to engage” I’m paraphrasing. In their defence I think our parents only did what they have seen their parents do and same applies for the church that’s how things were done.

Based on the background above you can imagine that I was not looking forward to this chapter of marriage life, because it just had negative connotations.

No1. I thought this thing is mainly for reproductive purposes, not for enjoyment.

No2. I must not deprive my husband, and that translated to me as he is the only one who matters when it comes to this lovemaking business.

I am happy to announce my assumptions were wrong  😀 Lovemaking is a beautiful sacred gift you have an opportunity to give your spouse in your marriage journey. I have been married for 5 and half years now and I can safely say, sex is not just created for men (yes they love it and could have it everyday if they could but that is a topic for another day). But If the clitoris is a female organ that was created mainly for the purpose of giving  pleasure, I am convinced God created sex for us too(can I get an Amen?). So, why do we feel shy or even ashamed to openly discuss sex ? I believe its because some of us still see it as  taboo and have similar assumptions as me. I know women who have been married for years and still do not enjoy making love. Most of these women have been taught that sex is meant to be enjoyed by men and endured by women. As a result they resent lovemaking and see it as a burden instead of a wonderful opportunity to bond with your person in a way that no one else in this whole world can. They are unable to communicate this to their partners because their partners probably have the same stereotype.Truth is if sex is always about you, you can never expect your spouse to desire it. It must be mutually beneficial.

When I got married I joined groups with other married women and I realised that there are those who love making love and some who don’t and for me, it was more about the fear of not knowing  which side I was on. When I realised that my knowledge on the  subject was limited and that maybe the foundation was not great. I made a conscious decision that if this thing is going to happen in my marriage for the rest of our lives, I am going to enjoy it and I will communicate this to my partner, we both had to learn to please each other and you can imagine the first day I discovered that I can also reach the finish line lol (orgasm). I decided I wanted to discover more about my body and he seems to have the GPS coordinates to the Holy of Hollies  ;-).

If you are like me and you are suffering from christian mom syndrome lol, there is hope for you. Kumnandi (it is very nice) on the other side of guilt free sex. I remember even telling my mom I was pregnant was such a mission decided to send her a message saying “congratulations you are going to be a grandmother”. Because even though I was married I still had that talk in my mind about how I must never do evil things that will get me pregnant. If you are a newlywed who is dreading bedtime because you don’t know what you are doing, it gets better I promise, just be open with your partner and learn together Kuzolunga (it will get better). Maybe you are just an African child who was taught this thing must be done in the dark and it is all about the men, I have good news for you – they lied darling, sex is meant to be enjoyed by both partners.

Sex is an earthly pleasure. But it is also Holy(set apart). It’s not just about the potential for procreation. Someone once narrated it like worship in the old testament where only levite priest could go into the Holy of Hollies to worship and there he encountered God. It is sacred/special it is a place not everyone went. Fast forward to new testament the veil has been torn worship can be experienced by anyone but it takes you having a good relationship with God to recognise his voice and realise today I had an encounter with God translation as you grow in your marriage you will know and understand your spouse’s body, mind, and needs better than anyone else because you sort of have exclusive advantage 🙂 so you will have more opportunities to have  mind blowing”encounters” in the bedroom. But this does not happen without effort, If I never seek God through prayer, worship etc chances are I will never have any life changing encounters in his presence. I have to be intentional. Same with intimacy with your partner you need to desire it, you need to explore and learn each other at that level to fully enjoy all that comes with this covenant.

A wise king Solomon once said “Awake, O north wind, and come, O south wind! Blow upon my garden, let its spices flow” (Song of Solomon 4:16). It can’t be a coincidence that when we reach the peak of excitement while making love  our bodies release seeds that give life. I believe it is symbolic of the level of connection God desires. The fruit of your love is not just the physical children but the spiritual bond you share. Solomon clearly understood the mystery that is sex, he wrote a book about it. I pray God grants us the same revelation, as we grow in our intimacy with him, may we also grow in our love affair with those he has blessed us with.

Dear black women I wish you bottomless orgasms

love Dzo

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Nelia Temba
28th Jun 2019 04:45

Amennnn to the bottomless orgasms 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾😂😂😂.

I read this blog in your voice 😂😂😂. I could hear you through out😄. Well put though. Sex is not openly spoken of vele in our families, especially Christian families. Maybe it’s cause the elders fear to come across as encouraging us to go have it 🤔🤷🏾‍♀️! Ga ke itsi, but whatever the reason, they were a real buzz kill 😂😂😂😂.

None the less, we navigating ourselves out of that mindset. Especially with friends like you 🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️😂😂😂!
Thanks Ms DO 🤗🙌🏾🤗

Makhosi Zwane
10th Apr 2019 15:40

this was insightful…thank you Ms. Dzo I enjoyed this piece

9th Apr 2019 23:24

Amen to that Ms. Dzo. Thank you for addressing this issue. I enjoy reading your work. Writing suits you. 🙂